Even in a world where people’s thoughts and emotions need to be suppressed and hidden, some people find the courage to live their lives like they want. For this courage and bravery one needs to admire the dark haired girl and anyone else who is willing to take that risk when many people can not, even in the safer world we live in.
Although we live in a world where we have the freedom to love and be loved, sometimes people are too afraid to let that happen to them. How many people can say that they are brave enough to walk up to an acquaintance and say I love you? Not many, even though the worst that could happen is a bruised ego. However, the dark haired girl had the courage to go and start an affair with a man that could possibly lead her to her death, but she wanted it bad enough to take that risk.
It seems likely that Winston and Julia appreciate this risk. When they came together in the clearing in the forest, they both entered a world where they could be happy and almost free. She had taken Winston into a world that he had never experienced before. And for the first time he experienced love and lust and passion; things that had not existed in his life before.
Julia took a risk; some may call her a foolish romantic, but she’s not. She is only trying to live her life in the natural way and trying to break away from the life the Party has defined.
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Your attention grabber is effective, however your introduction could be developed better to make it more cohesive. One could argue that it's concise though, which is good. However, in the first paragraph, Winston should be mentioned in there as well, as you talk about him later on. Again, you can develop your ideas a bit more... and perhaps talk about how people in our society today would or would not have the courage to follow their dreams.
I like your hook: words like 'suppressed' are good to stimulate imagery and interest. I also like how you did go and talk about real life circumstances, and how people wouldn't or wouldn't take the risk of confessing might find i difficult.
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